Mirada al abismo

Nunca me he caracterizado por ser una persona interesante, más bien soy un tipo simple, de gustos simples, básico en muchos aspectos; soy bajo, de hombros caídos, encorvado, ojos cafés que reflejan una mirada ida, mejillas colgando, cabello castaño y alborotado, que para colmo de males ha empezado a abandonarme. Nunca he sido de muchos amigos, bueno… nunca he sido de amigos, siempre trato de sonreír, de lucir amable, tal vez así no se me juzgará apresuradamente y aunque parezca que no me importara la verdad es que cada mirada de desprecio, cada rechazo, cada gesto odioso cala en mí, me destruye y descompone.

Algunas veces me pregunto en qué momento comenzó todo, trato de buscar, de escudriñar, me esfuerzo por descifrar si la respuesta se haya en algún rincón de mí mente, realmente me esfuerzo y es frustrante no poder encontrar la respuesta a algo que te hace daño, eso que se encuentra latente, que vive en ti pero le desconoces totalmente, y es que no podría afirmar una fecha, una hora, un año, simplemente fue creciendo, simplemente todo se fue acumulando, se ha ido acumulando hasta hoy. Muchas veces no sé cómo actuar, me castigo por mis pensamientos, me avergüenza aceptar muchas cosas porque a pesar de todo tendría que oír el sermón de muchos en cuanto a lo afortunado que soy, a lo grandiosa es que mí “perfecta” vida, todo eso visto desde su perspectiva, pero y qué hay de la mía, jamás alguien me ha preguntado yo cómo veo mí vida, mis días, cómo me veo, jamás ha sucedido.

Ahora mismo siento que no sucederá nada más, el vaso se ha desquebrajado, ya no hay sonrisa alguna que desee mostrar, las lágrimas se cristalizan en mis pupilas diariamente, me esfuerzo por contenerlas la mayor parte del tiempo, pero en la noche y cuando mí compañía se reduce a un cuarto vacío, es ahí cuando ya no puedo sostener la mentira, es ahí cuando todo se derrumba, es en ese preciso momento en que mis demonios me abrazan y rezan para que no despierte nuevamente. Supongo que debo ser compasivo conmigo y darme una oportunidad, no sé cuándo acabará, pero ya lo estoy contando…

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