Mirada al abismo: cicatrices ilusorias

Cuando se habla de amor, hay quienes logran espantarse, otros tantos, incrédulos, se ríen, algunos extrañan lo vivido y muchos más anhelan la idea de dicho sentimiento. Pero… ¿qué es el amor? Normalmente estamos huyendo o queriendo algo que no sabemos qué es, algo que está ahí, un concepto estándar que resulta moldeable dependiendo de las experiencias individuales o colectivas que se puedan absorber.

Últimamente he llegado a la conclusión que el amor es cuestión de locos, y es que quién en su sano juicio estaría dispuesto a entregar todo por una persona, a desnudar su ser en frente de un extraño, a exponer su alma a merced de que la destruyan, quisiera saber quién en su sano juicio podría ser tan ingenuo, tan tonto…  Bienvenidos a la realidad, todos creen en dicha estupidez, pero no todos están dispuestos a hacer sacrificios, ¿saben por qué? Porque han oído experiencias y siempre se preferirá ser quien lastima a terminar siendo el lastimado, es por ello que no todos están dispuestos a creer en algo más que en sí mismos, una mierda, eso es lo que es, todo es una basura, todo es una maldita basura, primero entregas tu cariño, abres tu corazón y luego te apuñalan, te destrozan, te devuelven hecho añicos, te vuelven la sombra de lo que fuiste, la maldita sombra, fragmentado en uno y mil pedazos… y es por eso que nadie quiere ser ingenuo, maldita sea, ya nadie cree en palabrerías y quien las cree termina pisoteado, nadie quiere ser herido y desechado, ahora estamos tan prevenidos a todo que simplemente mutilamos cualquier posibilidad de mostrar vulnerabilidad, cualquier ocasión de mostrar necesidad a esa persona es aniquilada, porque… ¿quién quiere un débil? Nos endurecemos, transformamos la fragilidad en hostilidad porque nadie desea mostrar que puede ser dañada, que pueden penetrar en ella y ser vulnerada, porque si fallas y te lastiman quedarás marcado por toda tu puta vida.

Ahora mismo puedo afirmar que no soy aquel ingenuo que una vez existió, ahora soy parte de aquel circulo sin fin, lleno de intrigas, miedo y desconfianza, pero hubo un tiempo en el que creía locamente en el amor, caminaba a ciegas, sólo con el instinto, hubo una vez en que creía en las palabras, en la mirada, en una sonrisa…

El día estaba soleado, yo salía de clase, el reloj marcaba las 2:30 PM; recuerdo que aquel día mi papá no había podido recogerme, no tenía otra opción que salir hasta una calle principal para tomar un taxi, por alguna extraña razón decidí caminar, distraerme un rato. Llegué a un parque, me senté en una banquita bajo un árbol, que fresco hacía; mientras miraba mi reloj para no llegar demasiado tarde a casa, una sombra en movimiento hizo que levantara la mirada, mi sorpresa al hacerlo, ¡guau!

En ese momento no podía creer lo que estaba viendo, era el hombre más hermoso que jamás había visto, tenía… qué sé yo, unos 23, 24, bueno, unos 25 años; no podía dejar de mirarle, mi estómago se llenó de esos insectos voladores, tan coloridos como mí rostro en esos segundos, la vergüenza me volvió un arcoíris. Dulce e ingenuo sueño adolescente, amorío de calle, jamás me había sucedido algo así, simplemente nunca había pensado que ello era posible, sentir tanta ansiedad, vergüenza, emoción, estaba como idiota. ¿Puede ser real? Mi mente se sacudía, cuestión de mili-segundos, todo mientras él se alejaba siguiendo su camino. Y mientras él continuaba con su marcha yo le seguía con mí mirada, ignorando, eso sí, que iba con una chica, probablemente su novia, iban tomados de la mano, pero y que suertuda ella.

Yo seguí persiguiéndole visualmente mientras se alejaba, y cuando ya daba por terminada mí utopía, algo sucedió, mientras cruzaba la calle, él volteó, extendiendo su mano se despidió de mí. ¿Se pueden alcanzar a imaginar la emoción que sentí? Esa clase de emoción que hace que la piel se te ponga chinita, una honda recorrió todo mí cuerpo; sin pensarlo mí brazo respondió automáticamente a su saludo, esos movimientos involuntarios que luego agradeces de que sucedan.

Mi madre decía: «“Nunca saludes a gente extraña, puede ser peligroso”». Esa frase rondaba por mí cabeza, es la típica frase impartida por muchos padres en un intento por proteger a sus hijos; nunca antes me había sentido más feliz por infringir dicha regla, y es que no me importaba; aquellos minutos fueron todo para mí, deseaba que aquel desconocimiento no existiera, no le conocía pero moría por hacerlo, aún y con la distancia que nos separaba podía contemplar su hermoso rostro, esos hoyuelos que se formaron al sonreír mientras se despedía de mí, su hermoso rostro, sus ojos color café, me hacían querer perderme en ellos, su cabello castaño claro, era alguien que no sabía que necesitaba hasta aquel día; sabía que probablemente jamás volvería a sentir esa sensación por alguien.

Cuando pude volver en sí y me bajé un poco de la nube en la cual me había elevado, no paraba de sonreír, ese pequeño instante había sido para mí lo mejor, en esos minutos experimenté algo que siempre estuvo ajeno a mí, el interés de alguien, podrá sonar gracioso, pero jamás había sentido ese tipo de atención. Aunque estaba emocionado, paralelamente me preguntaba qué carajos me había visto, nada atractivo había en mí según mis ojos, un chico de 13 años, un uniforme verde pálido, sudado y sucio, cabello largo hasta sus cejas, escuálido, blancuzco, dientes torcidos y acné, no era una oferta muy atrayente pensaba.

El impacto causado era inexplicable, aquel suceso había dejado en el limbo a un simple chico, en una encrucijada entre su religión y sus deseos, deseos que lo llevaban puertas al infierno según lo conocido en su doctrina, una culpabilidad que se desvanecía cada que el rostro de aquel hombre se dibujaba en su mente. 

Los días pasaron y yo había designado una ruta, estaba decidido en volver a verle, interesante resulta pensar que no existía nada más en mi mente, sólo quería verle. Día tras día fallaba, posiblemente no volvería a verle y no estaba mal, había disfrutado aquel momento, podría atesorar el recuerdo y la sensación del mismo. Las posibilidades de encontrarle eran tantas como las de ganarme una lotería.

«Soy un maldito con mucha suerte» -me dije. Aquel viernes se proyectaba como mí último intento por verle; salí del colegio como era habitual, mientras llegaba a dicho parque iba escuchando música, distrayendo pensamientos y suprimiendo la ansiedad. En tanto llegaba a una banca no podía creer lo que veía, a lo lejos podía ver alguien parecido, podía ser producto de la ansiedad, podría… pero mientras iba acercándose más podía afirmar que era él.

La distancia casi se volvía cero, esta vez estaba solo, estaba vez estaba más hermoso que la anterior, su perfecta camisa manga larga azul, su corbata, su barba, su rostro, su tez blanca brillaba con el sol, todo estaba en su lugar de una forma muy bella; mí sistema nervioso se paralizó, el corazón quería salir y tirarse a sus pies, el caminar y pensar no se me daba, podía sentir como una estupidez saldría de mí boca. Antes de que yo pudiera decir algo extendió su mano, yo apresuradamente extendí la mía y le saludé. Me saqué los audífonos de mis oídos para no perderme ni una sola palabra evocada por él.

  • Hola –dijo mirándome fijamente.

Inmediatamente empecé a sudar, mi rostro se tornó rojo, las palabras no salían, todas se procesaban en mí cerebro, pero pronunciaba ni una sílaba.

  • Pensé que jamás te volvería a ver, eres muy lindo sabes, me encantó haberte visto la vez anterior, muy bonito.

Mientras decía cada palabra yo me sonrojaba mucho más, me tenía enmudecido, hechizado.

  • Yo también pensé lo mismo. –dije tartamudeando-. ¿Y qué haces?
  • ¿Estás nervioso? –preguntó-. No tienes por qué estarlo, te ves muy lindo sonrojado. Voy camino a la oficina, ¿y tú?
  • No, no, es el sol, estoy sudado, yo… voy a casa, recién salí del colegio.
  • Ah bien, oye me encantó verte, espero sigamos hablando, este es mí número, por cierto… me llamo Fernando.
  • Claro, sí, sí, me llamo Andrés.

Después de cruzar dichas palabras, estrechamos nuevamente nuestras manos, él continuó su camino y yo deseaba seguir el mismo, me resultaba tan encantador que hubiese podido seguir sus huellas sin pensar en alguna otra cosa; mientras se alejaba una sonrisa se plasmó en mí rostro, lo había conseguido, tenía su número.

Fernando… que nombre más bonito, que hombre más lindo y encantador, su voz retumbaba en mi mente, supongo que no había calificativo que pudiese describir lo que mis ojos percibían. De camino a casa no pude esperar para enviarle un mensaje de texto.

«“Hola Fernando, soy Andrés, el chico del parque, me ha encantado conocerte, espero podamos seguir hablando.”»

La emoción carcomía cada centímetro de mí cuerpo, aquella tarde estuve en mí cuarto, mirando mí teléfono, deseaba que mí mensaje fuese respondido, me había enamorado de aquel momento, lo repasaba una y otra vez, no podía borrar su imagen de mí mente, sus ademanes, sus ojos mirándome, su ser frente al mío. ¿Alguna vez han escuchado la canción de Jason Marz ´I´m yours´? Bueno, esa canción la repetía una y otra vez, era un himno para lo que estaba sintiendo.

Aunque en mí cabeza todo iba a la perfección… ¿pueden imaginar eso? Yo pensaba todo iba, pero nada iba, porque no estaba sucediendo nada, o sea absolutamente nada y aun así estaba pensando en quién sabe qué cosas, ¿una vida juntos? ¿qué tan ingenuos podemos llegar a ser? Supongo que los amoríos o ideas de los mismos durante la adolescencia están ligados a fantasías, no han sido tocados por la cruel realidad, si tan sólo hubiese tenido alguna advertencia… tal vez si la tuve, pero dentro de dicha inocencia simplemente la ignoré, simplemente creí en lo que se suponía era genuino.

El reloj marcaba las 7:30 PM, yo subía a mí cuarto tras la cena, sin esperanza alguna de que mí mensaje hubiese recibido respuesta, tal vez, pensé, me había dado un número falso y solo trataba de ser cordial, eso era lo más posible, eso había podido seguir pensando si mí teléfono no hubiese timbrado en ese instante, una notificación de mensaje, era él, la habitación no tenía gravedad y yo levitaba por todo el lugar.

«“Hola Andrés, espero estés bien, hasta ahora salí de la oficina, que rico sería verte y poder tomarnos un café.”»

Aquella noche no pude cerrar los ojos, sólo pensaba en cuándo le tendría nuevamente frente a mí, sonreía sin sentido alguno y aunque no gustaba del café, estaba dispuesto a compartir las tazas necesarias para estar con él.

Amor adolescente, idílico, tan puro como peligroso, tan ingenuo como para creer en un ´siempre juntos´, tan ciego como para ver la podredumbre que habita en el mundo de los grandes; un tonto joven enamorado, enamorado de una falacia.

Los días transcurrieron y los cafés de tarde se hicieron habituales, podía ver sinceridad en sus ojos, me perdí en ellos, me perdí sin saber que tenía ceguera en los asuntos del corazón, un invidente caminando por callejones oscuros, por cavidades peligrosas, llena de secretos; supongo que como todo adolescente creía que todo lo sabía, nada podía salir mal, lo sentía en mí pecho. Disfrutaba hablar con él, las llamadas nocturnas resultaron ser sus favoritas, hasta ese momento resultaba encantador el juego de palabras que siempre repetía después de las 12:00 AM.

  • Estoy seguro que estaríamos mejor en mí casa –dijo.

El nerviosismo era evidente, estando en su auto, puso su mano en mí pierna. «Es para estar más tranquilos, hemos estado dando vueltas, estoy seguro que no quieres más café. –dijo mostrando una leve sonrisa.»

Al llegar tuve la leve intención de salir corriendo, algo me frenó, simplemente estaba exagerando las cosas, ¿qué podría pasar? Ya estando en su casa nos sentamos en el sofá, se sentó a mí lado, yo seguía un poco tenso, empezó a tocarme las manos y a decirme cuán lindo le parecía, yo sudaba de la vergüenza y mientras yo martirizaba mí mente con cuestionamientos… me besó, yo jamás había besado a alguien, se sentía extraño, tan húmedo, su lengua dentro de mí boca era una sensación que estuviese disfrutando, de un movimiento retiré mis labios de los suyos.

  • ¿Qué sucede? ¿No te gusta? –preguntó.

Yo estaba muy nervioso, el intento por decir alguna palabra se quedaba en ello, un simple tartamudeo, él se acercó y puso su mano en mí cuello, me beso nuevamente, sus labios volvieron a conectar con los míos, no sabía qué hacer, cómo se besaban las personas, cómo se besaban los hombres, no dudé en levantarme.

  • Disculpa, necesito ir al baño –dije tartamudeando.

Él me señaló el camino mientras tomaba el morral que aún mantenía en mí espalda.

  • Dejaré esto aquí en el sofá, ve al baño. –dijo.

Durante el camino al baño no hacía más que pensar en cómo irme de allí, me sentía avergonzado, nada cómodo, sólo quería que irme, no podía llamar, ni escribir, mi teléfono estaba en el morral; ya en el lavabo pase un poco de agua por mí rostro, aún puedo ver aquel reflejo, intentando no parecer miedoso, más bien confiado de lo que podría suceder. Cuando salí escuché su voz, provenía de un cuarto, me acerqué, ahí estaba él, acostado.

  • Ven, acuéstate aquí y vemos alguna película.
  • Sabes… creo que debo irme, se me olvidó decirle a mi mama dónde iba a estar, debe estar preocupada. –dije mientras secaba mis manos en el pantalón.
  • Dile que estás haciendo un trabajo, ven, cálmate.

La verdad de todo es que ya había hablado con mamá, se suponía estaba haciendo trabajos con unos amigos, se suponía que no debía estar allí, con él, se suponía que nada iba a suceder. En ese instante él se levantó de la cama, me tomó de la mano y acostó.

  • En serio, cálmate, te traeré algo de beber.

Había algo que no me dejaba estar tranquilo, esa incomodidad latente, un radar se había encendido en mí, estaba en una línea roja, pero no me sentía con la autoridad para irme, y si estaba mal interpretando todo y quedaba como un estúpido, y si solamente estaba paranoico; mis pensamientos terminaron cuando él llegó con el jugo, se sentó a un lado de la cama mientras yo lo bebía, no dijo una palabra, sólo me veía; yo, hecho una maraña de nervios no hacía más que tratar de evadir su mirada.

Estábamos de vuelta en el auto, me resultaba bastante extraño, no recordaba absolutamente nada, me dolía un poco la cabeza, tenía el morral sobre mis piernas, me sentía un poco mareado, no era capaz de evocar palabra alguna, él estaba a mí lado, conduciendo, sólo se podía escuchar el sonido del tráfico, yo tenía mí mirada fijada al parabrisas, podía apreciar como el atardecer iba muriendo. Aún con todo el ruido externo, en el auto habitaba un silencio espectral, un frío que calaba hasta el tuétano.  Cuando llegamos al parque se despidió de mí, una sonrisa se plasmó en su rostro.

Después de aquello la fantasía desapareció, nunca más volvió a responder mis llamadas o mensajes, el enamoramiento resulta esplendido como enfermizo. Supongo que hubiese deseado extender lo vivido, esa absurda ilusión, como duele. Con el transcurso del tiempo vamos adquiriendo experiencias, revistiéndonos de piedra y metal, vamos ocultando aquello que resulte frágil, desechamos la idea de volver a ser esos niños enamorados, no queremos ahogarnos en llanto, ser refugiados por el dolor y la soledad, atados a aquellos que no pueden permanecer.

Enamorarse es para valientes, debes estar dispuesto a sacrificar, a sufrir, a no esperar nada, enamorarse es de idiotas, de mártires, enamorarse es simplemente el acto más grande confianza, entregas tu ser a merced de lo que pueda suceder y te quedas ahí, a la intemperie, esperando el peor de los finales o el mejor de los comienzos.  

 

3.712 comentarios sobre “Mirada al abismo: cicatrices ilusorias

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    Mira que a veces somos víctimas de nuestra imaginación.

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    La ostia.

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